Screaming Tomatoes! Scientology's New Attempt to Tempt Impressionable High Schoolers Earns a Kiko

It had been six months since we laid-off all the janitors and installed new locks on the liquor cabinet in Reykjavik when April 2006 rolled around. My thoughts turned to Gustav as I packed a few belongings before a well-deserved spring break after the failure of the Toronto Globe and Mail acquisition. I had grown quite fond of our afternoon discussions, and Gustav’s penchant for other people’s XO cognac.

I decided to contact him that evening, but Gustav had moved and left no forwarding address. I feared I would never hear from him again.

The team parted ways at the Daily Telegraph, happy to leave Iceland for the r and r. Snakeboy, one of the finest unruly folk in our fabulous forum (which you too can join, just click here to register: www.unrulyrus.com/forum ), en route to Milan’s 127th annual “Reptilian Cotillion”, sat wearily in Heathrow, the unfortunate victim of a nasty layover. Peering down a main thoroughfare, he thought he recognized the swagger of an Icelandic janitor (retired), though he seemed to be walking a bit straighter, holding a thick book in his right hand. Snakeboy ran to the familiar figure and asked an important question.

“Gustav! Can I buy you a brandy?”

“No” he replied in his thick Icelandic Danish accent. “I no longer drink. But I’d be happy to talk to you about an organization I’ve recently joined while a patient at the Narconon rehab center.” Snakeboy paused. He’d heard of Narconon but couldn’t quite place the name. He looked at the book in Gustav’s hand. L. Ron Hubbard’s “Battlefield Earth.” Snakeboy’s eyes opened wider than they had since he boarded the first plane at the Reykjavik International Airport.

“My god, Gustav! You’ve become a Scientologist?”

Thanks to the star power of a couple celebrities and Issac Hayes’ hasty departure from South Park, the Church of Scientology attracted substantial media attention this past year. Founded in 1953 by the late pulp fiction hack L. Ron Hubbard, the infamous cult’s mission appears to be to turn a sizable profit. Unlike traditional churches, The Church of Scientology charges its members to attend specific classes, and the class level determines the fee. Like any pyramid scheme, The Church of Scientology must bring new members into the organization to grow and remain solvent.

Taking potshots at Scientology’s vast catalog of absurdity is shooting fish in a barrel. It would almost be an exercise in futility if it weren’t so funny. L. Ron Hubbard, for example, theorized that tomatoes scream when they are cut, a bit of news that still depresses even the most stalwart in Scientology’s sensitive vegetarian community (see how easy that is?) . Though one might argue Scientology must have some genuine appeal if they’ve managed to attract one Icelandic janitor (retired) and 1525 Canadians , the cult’s insatiable quest for money and members has brought them covertly into America’s public schools, a troubling development for a country that professes to uphold the separation of church and state.

“Study Technology” marked Scientology’s first venture into public education in the 1990’s. A series of general study materials and generic textbooks immersed in Hubbard’s Scientological patois, the Study Technology textbooks received preliminary approval from an unawares California Department of Education until the Los Angeles Times exposed a couple of professional school teachers cum fervent Scientologists trying to open a “Study Technology” charter school. The failure of that public education infiltration attempt forced the disciples of Hubbard — the man who bought a yacht with Scientology money in order to escape persecution from Nazi’s and communists during the 1970’s — to change tactics.

For the past five years, Scientology’s covert indoctrination campaign arrives in a large box. Individually addressed to specific English teachers, the package comes from Galaxy Press, the “exclusive publisher” of L. Ron Hubbard’s fiction. In previous years the box contained a hard-bound copy of Hubbard’s ridiculous “Battlefield Earth,” intended to coincide with the release of John Travolta’s abysmal film adaptation , accompanied by a letter or two of recommendation from unknown professionals who failed to mention that they were practicing Scientologists. The bulk of those books and accompanying letters fell into school recycle bins.

This year English teachers across the state received a far more impressive package: three of Hubbard’s novels, “To the Stars,” “Slaves of Sleep and Masters of Sleep,” and “Battlefield Earth,” a “Battlefield Earth” lesson plan, a science fiction anthology compiled and edited by Hubbard, and a DVD on science fiction writers and artists. The following letter from a local contact accompanies the texts:

“RONALD TAYLOR 1071 MERLE AVE. SAN JOSE, CA. 95125-2324

Dear Educator,

We are writing to introduce you to the works of the New York Times bestselling author, L. Ron Hubbard. These are fiction materials for you to use in your classroom. I would like you to take some time to fill out the evaluation form so that we can continue to provide resources to you and other educators.

Included here is a copy of To the Stars, which I personally recommend and would like you to review with the idea of incorporating into your reading programs. This book is a gift to you and your students. In addition we have included other L. Ron Hubbard bestsellers.

The rich fiction of L. Ron Hubbard can be used to support educational standards and goals at high school and college levels. We feel that working directly with educators is vital, as these texts not only teach literature and literacy but high interest reading can also build life long readers.

Modern science fiction and fantasy genres, developed out of the old pulp era, when competition for reader interest was fierce, are a great way to captivate student interest.

There are teacher guides available for these titles to make using them in the classroom easier for you. You can contact myself, or Galaxy Press directly to acquire these.

Again, please do take time to review the materials enclosed, and send in the evaluation form.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best Regards,
Ronald Taylor”

While most teachers will toss these materials in the trash out of habit, keep in mind the motivation driving this campaign is not to indoctrinate mass numbers of students, or for that matter, teachers. That campaign died in Los Angeles. One active, practicing Scientologist can bring over $100,000 into the organization in a matter of years. One recruit for every twenty high schools could bring millions into the cult. One person taking the bait is all they need.

What makes the campaign more dangerous is the accuracy of its target audience. English teachers working in notoriously underfunded schools are expected to provide students access to a variety of reading materials. A well-stocked classroom library filled with “high interest reading” in an effort to “build life long readers” can take years to develop and be a hefty out-of-pocket expense. A young, well-intentioned teacher on a tight budget with a handful of used college textbooks and no knowledge of Scientology will happily accept whatever free books come her way.

The Unruly Advocate also wonders who profited from selling teacher information to Scientology’s Galaxy Press. When publishers send sample materials to a school, they usually address the box to the chair of the respective department, having only the name of the school on file. Galaxy Press sends their materials directly to teachers. A number of the packages sent to one school in San Jose’s ESUHSD were addressed to faculty that retired three years ago. In order to get individual names for a school site, The Church of Scientology purchased a list from either the state, CTA, the local union chapter, the county office of education, or, most likely, the school’s district office.

There, we did it. We got through an entire story on Scientology without ever mentioning Tom Cruise. But, its too tempting, we, uh, no . . .no, we can’t . . . ah fudge it. Who can pass this one up? Scientology’s drive to provide free reading materials to our nation’s English teachers also appears to be a minor part of a greater Scientology image makeover campaign emphasizing public displays of altruism. This year the public witnessed John Travolta and his wife Kelly Preston flying one of their private planes into Katrina-ravaged areas of New Orleans to deliver water, food, and emergency supplies. Leave it to Tom Cruise to screw up the altruism with a public display of Scientology absurdity. Cruise set up a foundation to help clean-up workers and emergency service providers dealing with the aftermath of the 9/11 attacks in New York. A significant number of those workers developed respiratory conditions requiring the use of inhalers. Tom told them to put those inhalers down and breathe in cooking oil instead. Thank you, Dr. Cruise.

Therefore, for sending boxes of worthless materials that predominately get tossed thus contributing to the destruction of our environment; for numerous attempts to profit from the nation’s students through relentless public school indoctrination campaigns; for elevating one of the worst books ever written to the status of “classic;” for making the aforementioned book into one of the worst films ever made, thus keeping John Travolta from pursuing better film projects like “Look Who’s Talking 4” or “Urban Cowboy: The Sequel;” the Kiko Advisory Board of the Unruly Advocate proudly awards the Church of Scientology a fat Kiko. May all your e-readings be low.